Wanted

I've been asked by people in Slovakia and in the States how I feel about coming home. But they aren't actually asking me. Everyone assumes I am jumping up and down like a child at the mere thought of going home. I think part of that question is asked in hopes that I want to come home because I miss it and I miss the people, maybe they want to be flattered. How crazy would it be to say that going home isn't 100% what I wanted?

I miss many things about home, I miss my boyfriend, my friends, my family, native English-speakers. I need to go home to see them and re-kindle those relationships before they fall apart, but there's such a big part of me that is so in love with my life here, waiting a little longer doesn't seem so bad.



I might have gotten lucky that it's been overcast and cold here for the past few days because I haven't really gotten out of bed. I don't really think it is my ever-looming depression. I think I am grieving for my life here, even though it isn't quite over yet. I don't want to go anywhere because I will just cry, thinking this is the last time I will ever see it. Crying in public isn't really my style.

I feel a constant pull by the people in my life and I've never felt that before at all. As a kid I felt wanted by my family and absolutely no one else so I worked my hardest to please them. As a teenager I felt wanted by no one at all, and that took me to some extremely dark places that I won't dwell on in this blog post. As a young adult I felt wanted by friends so I did whatever I needed to please them. Now I feel wanted by everyone in my life for the first time, and while it makes me feel like the absolute coolest kid in town, I also feel guilty because no matter what I will be letting someone down.

Once I graduated I felt an overwhelming need to be there for myself for once. I had to get out and stop worrying about how to please my family or my friends, I could just do what I wanted- so I did. I've been on top of the world for 11 months and it's been the best time of my whole life. Yet now I'm here in this new land where I've created MY own little home, and I feel like I'm abandoning a piece of my soul.

I am really used to not feeling wanted. My natural setting in life is single, alone, independent, etc.. I never necessarily liked that, but it is the way it has always been. So when the opportunity came to go to Slovakia I felt no hesitation to stay. My friends were busy and stable, as were my parents, and my boyfriend and I were doing completely fine with our daily Skype calls before work. I wouldn't call that being wanted, I'd just call that being 'around'. I'm not saying in any way that this was a bad feeling, or that I wished I was needed more, or that I have been neglected in my life. But people seemed content with just a 'how are you' every few days and that was it.

But in the past few weeks that all changed. I didn't really think that my students ever liked me that much. I was nice to them and I helped them with some personal issues here and there, and they smiled at me and were polite. But I didn't equate that to admiration or favor, I just thought they were nice kids. One by one in random times and places they have been coming to me and telling me that they are sad that I have to go and really want me to come back next year. Some of them have thanked me for helping them with things in their lives, and some of them even want to read more of this silly blog once I get home. I'm just a 23-year old with this weird non-profit degree from Texas. What did I do that would make them say that? I'm not that good of a teacher, I don't even know what an adverb is. How could I possibly be wanted?

When I decided to go to Slovakia it wasn't a difficult choice at all. Nothing was keeping me in America, I didn't have a boyfriend at the time I made the decision, and I never thought I'd be important to anyone so leaving wasn't going to be a big deal. Now I feel like a monster for wanting to leave these kids, and this job where I actually feel like I'm not a total wreck.

But I also feel like a monster for even thinking about staying when I have a boyfriend who calls me every morning and lists off five new things we are going to go see when I come back. My grandma asks when I am coming back every single time I call, and all she does is tell me how much she misses me. I never thought I would be missed. My friends have other friends that could help them with what they needed, my parents never complained. I thought all I had to worry about was seeing my boyfriend and making myself happy and I could just put everyone else in a little box under my bed and that would be good enough.

Turns out those people don't like being in boxes. They need to feel wanted too. As the timer started ticking closer and closer to the time I fly home, people started telling me how much they want to see me and how glad they are that I'm finally coming home. I had no idea. I thought it wasn't a big deal at all that I left. Eric and I were going to move to Washington and get an amazing dog and live in a real-life Instagram photo where everything is green and the food is expensive but it's okay because it's the kind that won't give you cancer. But after a few conversations with people I realize that I completely misunderstood them all along. I never knew how much it hurt people that I left, they were just too kind to hold me back.

I had been thinking to myself on many different occasions, why did God bring me on this journey?

For so long I had no answer for that at all.  I thought this trip to Slovakia was about helping people, and yeah, I think I did a bit of that. But I think much more so, I believe God made a fundamental change in me. He helped me see after all this time that I am worth investing in, that I make a difference to people, that people want me around. I couldn't be more blessed to have that realization in my life. It's painful to think that I have to leave a place that I turned into my own personal home, but life evolves and so do people. Now it is time to wait and see where God is sending me next.