It's Getting Real Y'all

Apologies for the informal title, but that is really what I've been thinking lately. I've compiled all of my visa paperwork, I have begun gathering the things that I'll be packing, and my car has been sold. I'm sitting on my bed killing time before one of my best friends (Emily Braun) returns to spend our last evening together for at least another year.

My other good friends are either on their way to their new jobs out of state, or are spending the weekend celebrating their last vacation before graduate school. It's extremely sad to realize that everyone I know and care about will be going in such radically different directions in their lives. It's heartbreaking, but it's also genuinely beautiful because it shows how unique we are, and how all sorts of different paths can lead to fulfillment in our lives.

There was no secret contest between friends to see which one of us would end up furthest away from home, but if it were I'd win two or three times over. I am the only one of my friends leaving the country, yet I don't feel in any way that my journey will be any more or less difficult or fulfilling than my peers. I'll be honest, knowing that there is only one other person in my entire college class doing something similar to this is really scary. Going to a place that speaks no English, surrounded by nothing and no one familiar is starting to sink in. About 5% of the time I find that realization thrilling and invigorating, but 95% of the time it makes me so nervous that my stomach turns and my palms start to sweat.

I've noticed that I haven't taken much time this summer to reflect on my upcoming move. Each time I start to think about it and begin getting nervous I remember a task that I need to complete or something I need to buy. It certainly hasn't hit me yet that I'm leaving the continent for at least a year in just over a week. 

I will admit that I caught myself feeling very sad and nostalgic a few days ago while passing my old high school. I was on the way to deliver my car to its new owners, and took a turn that would lead me to the house that my friend Alaina lived in for the whole time I've known her. They were doing construction on the high school and seemed to be changing its entire facade. Alaina's parents had just sold the house to move out of town.
I'd never liked the car that I was selling, but getting out of it and handing the keys to the new owners gave me a feeling I've never felt before. It was an ugly combination of sadness, dread, and fear of change. I know that what I'm about to be doing is going to be the time of my life, but I find no shame in missing familiar things, and dreading the inevitable longing that I'll feel for them. 

I'm beginning to start the goodbye process with my friends and family. This is the part of this whole thing that gets me the most. I haven't cried a single time since before graduation, but I know this is going to hit me right in the heart. As I reflect back on my time abroad in England and think about the things and people that I longed for the most while I was there, I realized that I didn't miss my loved ones all that much, because the people that mattered were the ones I kept in contact with the whole time.

The things I missed the most was the land. The rolling hills and the cactus, the wildflowers and the sound of cicada's in the evenings that remind me of sitting on the front lawn of the farm with my grandparents. The smell of barbecue. If anyone could mail me those things that would be great! 

I've spent the last few minutes trying to come up with a fitting parting statement for this post. I kept coming back to this old Irish poem that I've been thinking of quite a bit as I get closer and closer to leaving. It goes by many names.

May the road rise up to meet you. 

May the wind be always at you back. 

May the sun shine warm upon your face;

the rains fall soft upon your fields 

and until we meet again, 

until we meet again. 

May God hold you in the palm of His hand, 

until we meet again.